Thread: can anyone explain this..

I don't feel that I actually live..My mind is a chaotic place filled with screams ,pictures, people, places, traffic, lights, feelings,emotions that go on and on and on,even tho I barely walk outside,I dont travel at all, I live in a small,quiet city. I walk outside and I try to avoid public places, mostly settling in the empty areas , a forest, a hill,a bench somwhere . Everytime I'm getting close to someone, a stranger or a friend, I feel a burst of emotions driving my mind crazy. I start to think at them who are they, then I feel their sadness, their happiness but it's like there is no being there, just those feelings making them look real to me. Whenever I see a picture of a place ,somewhere ,It's not the place or the view, but the feelings that come with. I look at that place and I start to feel like I was already there, with every man that was there,and saw that place through their eyes, feeling what they felt at that moment. I sometimes have dreams in wich I find myself in a city somewhere around the world,everything is vivid, real, . I am there but not myself, but as another person.I feel what he feels, I walk where he walks, I feel his pain, his joy, I know his friends, the tragedy that happened to him...then I start to fly and go somewhere else or the dream ends.
There are constant voices in my head, screaming ,laughing ,making me very mad,all the time. When I talk to peeps in my house, or friends, I see them but in my mind they are covered in blood, shreded to pieces,dead,I imagine myself doing it to them as the screams won't stop and I feel pleasure thinking that I would do such things to them. Yet I never harmed,physically anyone but myself, to make those feelings and voices to stop once in a while.
Sometimes I just take a knife in my hand,I look at who's next to me and I so wich to stab him ,cut him into pieces,I smile to myself feel that I can almost do it, then I just put the knife back and leave, with the voices still screaming for me to do it. And everywhere it's just pain and sadness. Feelings are like radio waves, they pass through me and they grow alive inside my mind. Its like I can't live my life because I already live the life of countless sad,dead,tortured, angry people around the world. I had my share of pills,cutting,crying, arguing all these years, doctors who diagnosticated me with schizo but I never reallytook any threatment, I don't think I want one. No way Im going to end up in a hospital , paralyzed by those drugs that makes you a vegetable. It's like I'm trapped both sides, good and bad and I can't do either. I prayed to God, then to Satan then to whoenever would listen, sometimes I feel that I get answers,sometimes I take them as coincidences but nothing else happens in my life. I just feel incredibly empty as myself, and full of everyone else's feelings and pain.
Alot more I could say about me but it's really a stranger place to do it,I don't think why I wrote that much already but where it is , maybe someone can share my experience and then I know I'm not that alone,afterall...you can feel free to make fun of me o anything,at least that would be a sign that I wrote something real that real people read and react to it.

You do need help asap. The medication will help with those voices and stop them. The medication wont make you into a vegetable or being in hospital either. Usually it's a chance to get things a bit more stable in your life, as the way it sounds, it causes you distress, isolates you, etc.
There are also support networks online. You might find useful tips on how to cope from day to day and help from others that are going through or have gone through a similar phase in their life.

Online Support Groups and Forums at DailyStrength

You might find this useful.

I'd see a Dr ASAP. I know some cases of similliar problems. Their tends to be two ends to the tale.

1) The sufferer comits suicide
2) The sufferer actually starts killing people

I'm not doing this to scare you, but you need to get it sorted out. Iza's idea about mantras is a good one. Meditation might allso be a good idea.

a doctor is really a hard option for me now, I mean I used to like hospitals before, I was constantly self-injuring myself just to get in and talk with doctors but that time has passed. My family is like half christians, they don't really know what's inside my head, they just support me with stuff and don't ask nothing in return, they never really ask what am I thinking of, I just hear the Jesus stuff over and over again...Suicide..well I never really wanted to do it, or else I'd already be dead, I guess. But it's this thing, like everytime I'm crossing a street I stop for a second watch the cars and feel an urge to rush forward and provoke an accident...but I never do it.Everything happens inside my mind ,I am able to keep it under control even tho it seems on the very edge,but this makes me very mad, honestly. I wish I could do it for real, kill someone, maybe more, or kill myself ,just to get over with. I don't like at all doctors now, they do ask loads of money for the sessions then for the medicine wich we cannot afford rite now dunno, I had a girlfriend last year wich left and made me hate her to death .I mean he used to repeat me thhe same thing ,that I am so cool,nice,perfect,beautiful guy to her,then the more I wanted to spend time togheter, the more she began to refuse me.
She started to tell me that she can see something evil in my eyes,that she can feel there's something wrong with me or that she is only doing harm to me by being togheter and such things and I almost believe it. I mean at first she was such an angel, kind, quiet, lovely but the more we spent time togheter, she started acting weirdly, was more and more pissed about every little detail in her life,she started to lie about everything and anything,without carrying that it can hurt alot...

Countless times I imagined myself strangling or doing terrible things to her,but the worst I did is curse her,like alot. When we were togheter, everything seemed to get back to normal for me .I could do the usual stuff people do, cleaning, working on something,smiling,feeling calm and peacefull. I was feeling like a perfectly healthy person, but with her leaving, it just made all much worse than before...really...It's not about sex, there was just that body heat that would always calm me down. When I was touching her skin it felt like all the hate and anger even the chaotic voices in my mind were dissappearing fast. Maybe I'm just cursed to feel all these feelings that are not mine..I prayed to Satan before. I'm not a zealot or something but I do see him as a heavy presence in our existence, hence why I tried to talk with him many times,as with God, or at least one of them...well I don't know, thank you for answering tho, I won't waste ur time with my boring life for a while, I hope..I do hate writing about myself on internet, it makes me feel ..like there are millions of people watching me ,laughing at what I'm writting,calling me crazy and what not..but this is just one rare moment when I don't care that much about those people..

Suicide is something that is natural to ponder only because when we are down in the dumps, it reminds us that we have Choice. It is unhealthy to fixate on suicide however.

The rest... such as that feeling of disconnection to yourself sounds like depersonalization. You probably crave to do a lot of things because you feel conflict internally, which causes you to depersonalize when it gets too intense.

It sucks you have lost your girlfriend, but get over it. Even if you guys were together, there would come a day when she would have died anyway. You would have lost her. Yeah, I know it hurts. However, if you choose to get over it - you will.

You could always do a ritual for healing. It just has to fall along the lines of your sub-conscious symbolisms and focus on letting go of all of that internal chaos. This is where psycho-therapy and ritual blend together.

I agree, see a doctor or something to be SAFE.

However, aside from psychological aspects, it sounds like you might have EXTREME psychic empath abilities, and you do not know how to block the flow of information you are receiving.

http://http://www.manannan.net/occul...ion-basic.html

Psychic protection - techniques to help protect yourself from outside unwanted energies and forces.

Here are some resources about how to psychically protect yourself. It will help neutralize the huge flow of emotions, thoughts and feelings you are experiencing from outside sources.

Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

maybe ur girlfriend as another man and saying that u r evil its a nice way to say "leave me plz". i sujest u try to hold her,kiss her intencely and see what she does. As for the rest dont have much experience but seek for help plz, there is something unsual going on. There r a lot of plp on this forums that used to hear voices too...ask their opinions.